


where the wall meets the floor

by Quintessence



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Panic Attacks, Whump, in which gon says what we've been thinking all along
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-11-01 03:51:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20808320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quintessence/pseuds/Quintessence
Summary: “Just once, would it kill you to think of yourself?  To let someone else take care of you? Would it kill you to say, ‘Gee, I’ve been kidnapped and tortured.  I’m too badly hurt to stand. Perhaps just this once I can be the priority?’ Would that really be so hard?”“Gon, it’s okay.” Killua’s tone is gentle and placating. “You’ve had an awful few weeks, right?  So I get that you’re upset right now.”“Oh, I’ve had an awful few weeks?” Gon’s laugh is a high, harsh, panicked, humorless sound.  “Really? I’m the one who’s been suffering?  Do you hear how batshit fucking crazy that sounds?”In which Gon finally confronts Killua's ridiculous tendency towards self-sacrifice.





	where the wall meets the floor

**Author's Note:**

> this is one of those fics that i intended to go in one direction & halfway through the fic said "nope, we're doing something else now." i had absolutely no say in this.
> 
> title is from a richard siken poem bc i'm no longer gonna deny who i am.
> 
> there is no onscreen violence but there is extremely heavily implied offscreen violence jsyk
> 
> alright, hope you enjoy!!!!!

When Gon finally finds Killua, it's been three weeks. Three weeks Gon had hardly slept or eaten or done anything, really, beside frantically, desperately, hysterically searched for him. When Gon finally finds Killua, it's in a small forest cabin, of all places. Incongruously quaint and charming, but wholly secluded. An ideal place to hold a captive. When Gon finally finds Killua, he’s bound to a chair with zip-ties and covered in bruises and lacerations, deep reds and purples marring nearly every visible inch of his skin. Dried blood mats his hair and trails all the way down to his chin.

It shouldn't be Killua. Killua is invincible. Killua doesn't lose. Killua doesn’t break. Killua wipes the blood from his mouth with the back of his hand and looks up at Gon with that gleam in his eye and grins. It shouldn't be Killua. It can't be. And yet it is.

Gon wants to vomit. Or weep. Or fall to his knees and clutch his head in his hands, fingers tight in his hair, and just wail. But he can't. Not now. Not with Killua still unconscious in the corner. Not with Killua having been abducted and tortured for nearly a month. Gon has to be strong. Just once, he'll be the one keeping Killua afloat. Just once, he’ll do for Killua what Killua had done for him a thousand times.

So Gon goes to Killua, trying desperately not to think about how much worse his injuries look up close, to wake him.

"Killua?" he says, very softly, kneeling down beside him.

Immediately, Killua jolts awake with a gasp. His eyes frantically dart around the room, as if trying to anticipate an attack, before finally focusing on Gon.

"Hi," Gon says, because he doesn’t really know what else to say. 

Gon will admit that he expects a joyful reunion. He expects for Killua to go weak with relief, for his face to brighten, for him to smile. Gon expects Killua to be happy. Instead, his eyes go even wider in pure terror.

"No," Killua whispers, horrified. Gon's throat tightens. Killua's mind must be so warped from the pain and fear that he can't distinguish between Gon and his captors.

"It's just me, Killua. It's Gon, okay? I'm not going to hurt you. It's me."

"No, no, please," Killua continues, as if he hadn't heard. His voice is hoarse and scratchy, perhaps from thirst or perhaps from screaming. Gon doesn’t really want to know which one. "Gon, please. Run. There's time. There has to be. You can get out of here. Go. Now. Please."

"Killua, what are you talking about? Why would I go? I've only just found you."

Killua's bound hands clench into fists and his chest begins heaving up and down with desperate breaths.

"They're not here right now. So you can go. Gon. You can’t be here when they get back. You just can’t. Not you, Gon. Not you. Go. Please.”

Oh. 

_ Oh. _

It all comes together at once. Killua doesn’t think this is a rescue. He thinks Gon’s been captured as well. And he’s asking, no, outright begging, for Gon to run. To leave him behind. To save himself, Killua’s own safety be damned.

Gon makes an odd sound halfway between a laugh and a sob. He takes Killua’s head in his hands and presses their foreheads together. Killua’s trembling. Trembling not for himself, but because he thinks Gon’s in danger. Gon presses a kiss to his dirty, blood-matted forehead.

“I should’ve expected as much,” he murmurs into Killua’s hair.

“Gon,  _ please. _ ” Killua’s voice breaks, pure panic and desperation, and Gon pulls him into an embrace.

“Killua, listen, okay? Listen to me. You’re safe. Kurapika and Leorio, they took care of them. All of them. This is a rescue mission. They didn’t capture me. Okay? They didn’t capture me. I’m only here to take you home.”

Killua’s body goes limp in Gon’s arms.

“Oh thank God,” he breathes. And of course it isn’t for himself, that relief. Of course it isn’t, because it’s Killua.

Unable to stop himself, Gon presses one final kiss to Killua’s forehead before setting to work removing the bindings from Killua’s wrists and ankles, trying to conceal how violently his hands are shaking. The hard plastic of the zipties has cut into Killua’s wrists, the lacerations red and raw, so Gon removes them as carefully as he can. Once released from the restraints, Killua stretches gingerly, his muscles clearly stiff. God only knows how long he had been bound like that.

And so Killua stretches carefully, slowly rolls his wrists and shoulders, but doesn’t stand up. Gon realizes, with mounting horror, that he doesn’t get up because he simply can’t. Because invincible, strong, fearless Killua is too badly hurt even to stand.

_ Killua is too badly hurt even to stand. _

And just then, just with that epiphany, a larger, more profound understanding hits Gon straight in the chest. Hard. No longer dizzy with relief at finding Killua, no longer out of his mind with panic, Gon suddenly sees the situation for what it is. And all at once, he’s furious, the anger pressing hard against his sternum in a manner that borders on painful. 

“You’re absolutely insane,” Gon says. “I mean really and truly certifiable. Did you know that?”

“How do you mean?” Killua replies, looking surprised by the abrupt change in tone.

“I mean look at you. You’re a mess. It’s been weeks, Killua. Weeks. You were kidnapped and tortured and it looks brutal, whatever they did. You’ve haven’t gotten out of that chair and I’m guessing it’s because you just can’t, right?”

Killua says nothing, and it’s all the confirmation Gon needs.

“You’re thinner, too, so you haven’t been given much to eat.” As Gon continues, his voice gets higher and reedier, edging ever closer to hysteria. “So you’ve been kidnapped and starved and hurt so badly you can’t even stand up for nearly a month. And after all that you wake up to your best friend beside you and what do you do? Do you feel relieved? Do you thank your lucky stars you’ve been rescued? Do you so much as smile? No. You beg and plead for me to run away. To  _ leave you behind.  _ Even in the shape you’re in, even helpless and completely broken down, your first thought is to protect me. At the cost of your own safety. That’s just insane. Do you see how completely ass fucking backwards that is?”

“Gon, I--”

Gon presses the heels of his hands to his forehead.

“Just once, would it kill you to think of yourself? To let someone else take care of you? Would it kill you to say, ‘Gee, I’ve been kidnapped and tortured. I’m too badly hurt to stand. Perhaps just this once I can be the priority?’ Would that really be so hard?”

“Gon, it’s okay.” Killua’s tone is gentle and placating. “You’ve had an awful few weeks, right? So I get that you’re upset right now.”

Gon begins frantically pacing the cabin floor.

“Oh,  _ I’ve  _ had an awful few weeks?” Gon’s laugh is a high, harsh, panicked, humorless sound. “Really?  _ I’m  _ the one who’s been suffering? Do you hear how  _ batshit fucking crazy _ that sounds?”

“Gon--”

“No! We’re not doing that right now! You’re not going to sit there, so badly injured you’re physically incapable of standing up, and comfort  _ me _ !”

Gon’s dizzy. His ears are ringing and his hands are tingling and the cabin is getting smaller and smaller.

“Gon, please. You’re hyperventilating. Can you just try to take a deep breath? Just one?”

“I can’t lose you! Alright? You are the one thing in this world I can’t lose! Don’t you dare even think of dying for me! I swear on my life I will fucking kill you if a single damn thing ever happens to you in the name of protecting me!”

“Gon, you’re going to make yourself vomit if you keep this up. I obviously can’t come to you, so would you please just come here?”

The edges of Gon’s vision cloud. He’s drowning, or being crushed beneath a boulder, or choking to death. Whatever it is, he can’t get enough air, can hardly tell which part of the room is up and which is down. His every thought, his whole world, narrows down to trying to remember how to breathe.

“Gon, please. Just come here.”

Killua. Killua could get him breathing again. Killua always fixes everything.

At first, Gon wants to throw himself into Killua’s arms, but the small part of his mind still capable of reason thinks better of it. He doesn’t want to aggravate any of Killua’s injuries. So, showing remarkable restraint, Gon slowly comes and wraps his arms around him. The chair makes the angle awkward, but Killua manages to ease himself out of the chair and onto the floor. With a desperate sob, Gon realizes there’s blood dried on the floor around Killua’s chair. Killua’s blood. Gon clings to him even tighter.

“Shh,” Killua soothes, gently rubbing Gon’s back. “It’s alright. It’s okay. I’m right here. I’ve got you. Okay? I’ve got you.”

Killua keep murmuring the same few reassurances and rubbing Gon’s back as Gon sobs into his chest. Gon’s never heard himself make this sort of sound, like a terrified, injured animal. Or an infant. This desperate, anguished sobbing. He’s too upset to be embarrassed, too upset even to think about stopping. He merely clings to Killua for dear life and sobs.

Eventually, he does calm down. Eventually, the hysteria subsides, Gon’s breath no longer comes is desperate stutters, and all he feels is a very calm, placid sort of emptiness. He pulls back from Killua and wipes roughly at his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Gon says, voice hoarse. “I kinda lost my shit, didn’t I?”

Killua smiles and brushes Gon’s hair back from his forehead.

“Yeah, you did, but I didn’t mind. It made me feel important, you know? I’d never seen you like that before. You were that upset and it was because of me. It’ll be hard not to let that go to my head.”

Killua smiles that crooked smile of his, the one he wears when he’s joking around, and for a moment, Gon is speechless.

“Do you really not know already?” he says at last. “Killua, you’re everything. Everything. You’re the most important thing in my life. You’re it. Do you get what I’m saying? It’s you. It always has been you and it always will be you.”

Gon takes Killua’s hands in his own and holds them to his chest.

“Please,” he begs. “Please tell me you understand.”

Killua’s eyebrows furrow in confusion and for a moment he’s quiet. And then Gon sees the exact moment it dawns on him. It hits him all at once, his eyes going wide and his face flushing the most perfect shade of pink.

“Yeah,” he says, suddenly unable to meet Gon’s eyes. “Me too. To me, you’re… I mean, you have to know, right? After everything, you have to.”

Gon pulls Killua close and presses a kiss to his hair.

“I suppose I do now.”

Killua rests his head against Gon’s chest as if suddenly too weak to hold it up himself.

“Gon, I’m tired,” he murmurs. “It’s been a long few weeks. Could we just go home now? I’d really like to go home.”

The love that wells up inside Gon’s chest is so profound it’s almost painful. But only almost.

“Of course, sweetheart.”

And so Gon scoops Killua up into his arms, one arm braced under his knees and the other beneath his shoulders. Killua must really be exhausted, because he doesn’t even protest the indignity of it.

If this were a film, Gon thinks, the sun would be setting as they leave the cabin and head off into the woods. Or perhaps it would be a bright, beautiful day and Killua would squint at the first rays of sunlight he’d seen in weeks. But instead, it’s a cool, cloudless night. The moon shines, round and enticing, above them, and it’s simply Gon and Killua, just as it’s always been. Gon and Killua, close enough to feel each other’s heartbeats. Gon and Killua, both clinging to each other with a love that borders on desperation. Gon and Killua, alone together under a glittering canopy of stars.

**Author's Note:**

> the usual--infinite love & gratitude for reading, replying to comments, available to scream about killugon via [tumblr](https://storybookprincess.tumblr.com/)


End file.
